"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do
than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream."
MARK TWAIN
You know what? I did. Mirroring every other monumental decision in my life, I did it as an impulse - that's the only way I can handle game-changers. When I applied to nursing school, I googled direct-entry programs for people who, like myself, wasted 120 grand on a bachelor's degree only to fork over another 90K for a second bachelor's and master's. Google encouraged me to change my career, well, Google, and the pursuit of a degree in psych advanced practice nursing and prescriptive privileges. Make no mistake, I don't make decisions lightly, but I make them quickly - perhaps out of fear of overanalyzing. My dad always encouraged me (while I was ice-skating) "don't think, just do." I never could - even as an eight-year-old. My mind was always my handicap, and I couldn't shake it.
So this latest decision took all of 20 minutes to make - and 19 of those minutes were probably acclimating myself to the fact that I just rewrote my future and stopped my 6-year relationship dead in the water. I no longer had this crutch - that this one facet of my life that had been so secure - was no longer so comforting or so secure. Too safe is dangerous. So I leaped with my feet and my heart.
I love it all - the coins, the dirt, the duck, the living with eyes and arms wide open.
The part that was killing me - I never could relax. I never could remain in bed and enjoy the moment. I wanted it to be over and move onto the next thing. I wanted to look and listen and walk around and be distracted and somehow feel good about the relationship. I thought bearing your soul and bantering were love. I mistook that for love. There was never any intimacy.
When there was, it was a brutal kind of intimacy, not abusive, just lacking in trust - I was raked over the coals more than I could ever imagine. I lived totally out in the open - I said everything, perhaps too much, but I never got that in return. I was the weakness. Love was the weakness. I'm sorry, but love should be celebrated. Love shouldn't be a noose. It should be a kite. Flying free but guided by you. So, I quit. And I got more than I ever could have imagined. Always believed that if you were a good person with a good attitude, life would be an open oyster for you. I don't like oysters unless they're deep-fried poh' boy style, but I love pearls.
I betrayed the trust, and I may be 90% responsible for the problems that ensued, but I cannot live in fear. He lived in fear. I think of men as afraid of words - afraid of speaking the words and letting them take flight and fly away disembodied. I think of women as in control of words - and speaking them brings peace. Enervating them of their power, sending them free and far and away. It's why we vent to girlfriends and why talk therapy is so empowering.
But, he was a man, and he was Irish. The deck was stacked against us from the start. I'm Italian and a woman. Sicilian, more specifically. Our roots matter more than we think. I tried to deny them, but they'd been running alongside me at the beach all this time.
I'm free now, and happy. I feel like I'm Alice - wandering in a new world. Not confused, just curious, and my eyes and heart are wide open and ready for the fall. It's nearly winter, but I think this feeling will keep me warm for some time to come.
